Boundaries

For a very long time, I didn’t know I was allowed to set boundaries. I didn’t even know what boundaries were. I just thought I was supposed to do whatever my parents asked or told me to. I spent a lot of energy in my lifetime worrying, thinking it was my job to help clean up, keeping a secret that was never mine to keep. That secret, much like the hoard, got very heavy, and I almost lost myself in all that.

Then I went to therapy. I learned what boundaries were: tools for ME to use. To protect MY peace. I learned I am allowed to say no, and so are you. You are allowed to have private possessions that others don’t touch. You are allowed to have clean, functional living space. You are allowed to refuse to participate in cleaning or organizing someone else’s mess.

I came up with a list of these boundaries–and in some cases, factual supporting statements–that I keep in my phone in case I need to use them. Many of these are boundaries I wrote when I was an adult, but some of these may help you. Please feel free to use whatever you think sounds right.

Boundaries for Your Space

Phone-friendly image files: Download these images to keep in your phone for motivation

My bedroom/space needs to stay clean.
I am not comfortable with using my bedroom/space to store stuff.
I am keeping my space organized so that I can study and function effectively.
This is my room and I am responsible for it being kept clean.
I can’t clean this. I have to study.
I’m not available to help clean today.
That’s not something I can help you with.
I’m not the right person to ask about that.
I care about you, but I need my room to stay clutter-free.
I understand you’re frustrated, but this is my space and I need to keep it clean.
Keeping my room clean is important to me.
I understand you disagree, but this is what works for me.
We can talk about other things, but not this.

Boundaries for Someone Else’s Space

Phone-friendly image files: Download these images to keep in your phone for motivation

I am setting boundaries that have to be respected because your living situation is unsafe.
I am fearful that in an emergency you won’t be able to get out.
I am fearful that if there is a fire, it would take your life, and potentially the lives of your neighbors. It would also destroy property and risk the lives of emergency personnel.
Your choices, actions, inactions, and excuses affect everyone around you.
You have expected me to enable you. You have expected me to accept the things you tell me about “making progress,” even though that is clear manipulation. I know that, and it makes me uncomfortable.
Your need to keep your living condition secret and go at your own pace no longer take precedence over the safety of you, your pet, your neighbors, and the property.
It is time. It is time for you to move out of the chaos and mess and unsafety. I am/we are here to help.
I must make decisions that are in your best interest (and your pet’s, and your neighbors’), not those that you have been choosing.
I am not going to enable this kind of living anymore by ignoring it. These are not my secrets, and I no longer intend to keep them. You asking me to keep the secrets is like a prison.
I understand that this is painful, but it is necessary to protect you, your pet, your neighbors, and the property.
It goes against my integrity to have superficial conversations and not deal with the elephant in the room of your living situation.
Your claims of ADHD, lack of energy, etc. are no longer excuses; rather, they are the reason it’s time to let people help you. Those excuses strengthen the argument that it is out of your control, and you need help.
This is too big for you, too big for me, and it’s time that professionals who know how to deal with all of this are brought in to be part of the team.
You are drowning, but I have swum out into dangerous waters with a life preserver that you continue to refuse to take. I can no longer risk my life to do this.
You must take an active role in this, if you want my help. You must actively receive counseling and cooperate. This is for the highest good of all involved.
Your refusal to work toward bettering your living situation is disrespectful to your family and friends.
I will not justify why I am doing this, because I know it is the right thing.
I will not argue about any of this, because I know it is the right thing.
I will not defend myself against your attacks, because I am confident that it is the right thing.
I will not explain myself, because taking these steps is necessary.
The choices you make next could change the course of the rest of your life.

Boundaries for Mental Health & Limiting Contact

Phone-friendly image files: Download these images to keep in your phone for motivation

Please feel free to copy and paste these and edit them to fit your situation.

I am choosing myself.
My resources are low right now, and I can’t engage.
I am not available right now.
I have a lot going on right now, and I don’t have the bandwidth to help out.
I have had to choose to protect myself and my peace over everything else during this time.
“If you’re not speaking your trauma, you’re storing it.” When you store it, you carry it with you. I buried my trauma for so, so long, and it has gotten too heavy for me.
You are not doing your part to take care of yourself, which makes it much harder on me. I cannot do it alone.
I am working on healing from some old trauma, and I am not available right now.
No.
I didn’t know I was allowed to set boundaries, and because of that, I allowed a lot of trauma and emotional harm.
The trauma that I endured altered my nervous system. It changed the lens on how I see the world and what’s in it. I am working to correct all that.
I am trying to learn to put my own emotions and needs above others’, and it’s challenging. I am no longer going to feel bad for choosing my own emotional health and protecting my peace.
I am no longer responsible for walking on eggshells, hiding parts of my own truth, or denying my reality because of someone else’s emotions.
I am responsible for speaking in clear, kind ways.
I am responsible for speaking my truth.
I am working hard to overcome my habit of rescuing.
I am learning to set distinct boundaries and defend them; they exist to protect me.
I have spent my whole life pleasing other people, and I am spending time learning to undo that habit. I realize now that I abandoned my integrity when I have done that in the past.
Your reality and mine are very different.
I am sorry for whatever it was that you went through, but it is not my job to repair it. I went through my own things, and I am trying to heal that trauma. I hope you can do the same.
I am not going to argue about this or defend myself.
I am going to pull back from engagement at this point for my own protection.

There is a page on Boundaries on the Reddit Hoarding Wiki that may be useful to you.

All boundary images can be downloaded in one zip file here. Download these images to keep in your phone for motivation.

Please see Disclaimers page.