Baby Steps

Living in a hoard is sometimes completely overwhelming. I know because I’ve done it. I know because I’ve cleaned it more than once.

Once someone realizes that what they or their loved one lives in is a hoard, there is often a lot of emotion about this. Anger, fear, sadness, shame, helplessness, and isolation can all make appearances. Anxiety and depression can develop. Learning to live with this information and figuring out how to move forward is a long process, and it takes baby steps. This page contains some baby steps to begin to break the cycle of what may be decades or generations of trauma and drama.

First, try not to enable the hoarder in your life. Do not accompany them to the thrift store or yard sales.

This one is very important: try not to compare yourself to other households. There will always be tidier homes, and there will always be homes with more clutter and filth. Be gentle with yourself.

You are not alone. Read more on this below:

How Can I Gain Some Control?

You deserve space in your home that is clutter-free. The mess shouldn’t always “win.” Here are some small things you can do to gain a little control of your surroundings:

Tidy up a small space for you. Throw away trash and straighten belongings so that the space begins to feel better.
Set a boundary for your space in your home. Lock your door if you’re allowed to.
Create an agreement that your space will be honored and not hoarded.
Gently explain how the secret of your very messy house is heavy, and suggest that you are not able to keep it anymore. This is an important step to breaking the cycle of enabling.
Offer emotional support and let them know they are not alone. Offer to help clean small spaces if they are open to that. Use “I” statements, like, “I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of stuff on the kitchen counters. Do you think we could work together to clear some space we can keep clean?”
Be outside the house as much as possible. Stay with friends, go to the library or rec center, get a job. Building independence is so important.
Don’t buy gifts for your hoarder; on gift-giving occasions, get them experiences or take them to dinner instead. Theater, museums, and adventures can all be perfectly wonderful gifts. And, bonus: it gets you and them out of the mess for a bit.
Learn how to grey rock to deal with manipulation.
Turn off notifications on your phone for a single contact. Just getting a buzz or ping from someone may induce anxiety. This is an easy first step.
Seek counseling if you have the means. Therapy can cost money, but there are lots of free options. You may start with a guidance counselor or the parent of a trusted friend.

What If I Might Get into Trouble?

This is a valid concern for many who live with hoarders. Hoarders tend to guard their stuff and see it as a threat when someone tries to clean or throw things away.

You may need to “hide” your clean space. Use empty boxes to “fill” space; these can be easily moved and broken down when you want to use your space.
Don’t throw things away if it will upset the balance in the household.
If you do throw things away, take them in a car to a location away from your home so they don’t get brought back in.

Please see Disclaimers page.